My Frutypop Life Out of the Cookie Jar

Wakey Wakey to Me..

2006-07-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

My brother is getting married next year!!!

I had to slap myself in front of the mirror to make myself believe it. For real. My only authentic brother in the world is about to start his own family (Most of my "adopted" big bro's are already married except for Zak, who's just about to get married next year as well.)

Wow, this is the real world. People get married. People move around. People move on.

I was still dilly-dallying in my pants thinking about buying a digital camera or taking basic photography course and those things. My mom tells me to stop thinking about them for now and learn how to prioritize. I understand that, but i tell myself that i do have the right to enjoy these things because Im single. But my mom's right and I really do know what she's talking about. I have to start learning how to be wise. ..especially with money matters. But all that mom said didnt really sink in till i found out my brother's about to get married!!! For a moment i was super stunned and a voice kept yanking inside me, "It cant be true! It cant be true! How can this be? Noooooooooooo!!!"

Well he fell in love a long time ago, kept that consistent for years and now he's ready to leave his home to start another. Thats the simplest way to explain it.

Okay, yeah, im over-reacting! But im not feeling this way because im insecure that he's getting married before me or anything. Its just that im kinda scared for my bro. I keep asking, is he ready? He's of legal age, but i still see him as my young obnoxious life-long enemy. I just realized that so much have changed... and has to change. First on the line is how I see him as a person.
Like a big bang, reality hit me. Ive been dwindling in all of my dreams and all the things Im planning to shop for when i get super rich (which will be very soon hehehehe) but suddenly, God woke me up with such news! Now i see the bigger pie. My life isnt my own. It never was. And just as I ask "Is my brother ready?", I should also ask it for myself. How am i getting ready for the same life that my brother is about to face? How am i getting ready to face a bigger family and what is my part in my brother's choice of life? I know i have a part because as i said, my life isnt my own. I am accountable.

How am i going to share God's Word to my brother and his future wife so they'd have a God-centered, far-from-crumbles married life? How am i going to be as an aunt to my future niece or nephew? How am i going to get over these rushing thoughts that are starting to devour me? Argh.

My brother has great respect for me, I can sense that. We may not be too good at throwing thoughts to each other in a systematic way but I know he looks up to me. I dont really say it to him in a nice way but i look up to him as well. And very soon, my responsibility in his life would be more than just to be his silly goose of a sister or the maid of honor at his wedding.

I've lived away from reality too long. Thanks for waking me up, bro!

The Best Sneeze ever

2006-07-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

Im having a really bad flu. Oh well, theres no such thing as a good flu anyway. But still, I'd say there are better flus. This one's really bad. I sneeze all the time and the thing I hate the most is when im about to sneeze and something stops it! Argh! Im almost bed-ridden now. Almost. But i am not to be defeated by a stupid flu.

I missed work today unofficially. Ive not been working for the past six days because I have just had my training for BSC (as in Basic Safety Course). It was so much fun! That included Fire Prevention and Firefighting, Personal Survival Techniques, Elementary First Aid, Personal Security and Social Responsibility. They are so much more interesting than they sound. And dont ask me why i took that training. I wouldnt say I just wanted to, although I really did just want to at first. Others who know what it means to take BSC would understand what its for though. But you'll never hear it from me (Being coy here now).

Anyway, I just wanted to explain the relationship between my bad flu and my BSC training. We had our two-day practicum somewhere in Cavite for Firefighting and Personal Survival Techniques. That means we had our chance to be real firemen and women for a day. Hmmm maybe we are firemen now for real although im not sure to what extent our certificates could get us. But hey it gives us the power to extinguish fires! Wooohooo! Or maybe the power actually just comes from the knowledge of it.

We also did a little dummy rescue operation and killed a huge fire in an enclosed space. According to our trainor, thats the kind that firemen dread the most. We realized firsthand why that is so. Not only are the Breathing Apparatus heaps heavy, you could see nothing in such a space. As in nothing. And not to mention the difficulty of breathing under a facial respiratory mask that only lasts for 30 minutes. But this is where you would know the real value of teamwork. The nozzleman cannot do it alone. The back-up man has to push his shoulders so he wouldnt give up, and the hostenders must keep themselves alert at all times and careful not to have the hose entangled or all of them would die. And they must step into the enclosed space to kill the fire in slow but sure, dynamic steps. I now appreciate firefighters more. Its no silly joke to kill a fire.

And then there was the Personal Survival Techniques (PST) practicum. We splashed on a pool because its all about survival on water. We had our lifejackets on. We looked cool on them and i like them as much as the fireman's outfit. But we didnt go there to look cool. In fact, in most of the activities we did, we looked splendidly idiotic. But that was until our trainors declared we have passed the course. Because after that, we felt cooler than the coolest we ever felt for sometime. Anyway, one thing i wouldnt forget at PST was having to jump from a 12-foot diving board. That isnt too high, but it IS high. And add to it my fear of heights. I was the only person in class who didnt get to jump along with the rest, the only one to be given three chances. It was weird because I knew i could do it and yet when i climbed up there, it was so hard. The trainor almost gave up on me... or tried to look like it so i would be motivated (or better yet, "scared of him") enough to jump. Weeks before the training, i have already heard about that jump part and it has given me nosebleed since then. Anyway, i did jump. You know how i did it? I put my right hand on my nose, pinching it; my left hand crossing over to my right shoulder to keep my other hand intact; bent my my legs; closed my eyes; prayed; and then jumped! I just waited for the water, if you know what i mean. But it was exhilarating... especially hearing the applause of the whole class when i finally did it. It was also a special moment because that was when I heard almost everyone, people who I've only been with for a few couple of days, giving me all the encouragement and the "you can do it's". It was awesome!

But that wasnt why i have the bad flu now. The day after we came back to Manila from Cavite, we were welcomed by the heavy rains. And my friend and i welcomed it as well by being drenched on it. It wasnt because we had no umbrella. We also had our jackets on. But the rain was sooooo bad that we boarded the LRT all wet from head to toe. Two days after, the bad flu hit me.

Oh well, tomorrow it's going to turn good. Im going back to work. Shoo flu! Youre just a sneeze away!

New Me

2006-06-10T01:15:00.000-07:00

I could say my life is back to normal now after those 20 days in Thailand. But my life isnt the same either.

While doing the Thailand Outreach, we were told that after this mission trip, we'd feel weird when we get back to our own land. Thats because we'd be reminded of everything---places, food, experiences and most of all, the people whom we're not sure we'd still ever see again. That's exactly what's happening to me right now. Argh.

Having been able to get there and be one of the 79 short-term youth missionaries was one of the great big miracles of my life! Seriously. I didnt think I could go because fund-raising is really difficult to do in these times when everyone seems to be in need. But I super thank God for the lives of all the people who helped, who came from different places and gave in the most unlikely moments. I enjoyed the surprise of receiving things from people I never expected would be so generously helpful! This was one of the first things I came to enjoy while preparing for this trip--the surprises! And next is the anticipation for more.

I knew that going out there in the mission fields meant stepping out of my comfort zone. We went to different tribe locations where there was no mobile reception! (I couldnt live without my mobile phone back home!) And when we were immersed in the Karen tribe community in Chiangrai for a week, we stayed in a really really cold place where they were used to the "squatty potties" and bathing with ice cold water! My team mates and I have our own "stories of discomfort" to share but whenever we sat down and talked during breaks, we realized they never really mattered.

After Thailand, Im never the same. I met a new family, my team mates in Team Zech. I met new friends--the people from the Thai churches, the Thai youth, our interpreters, the pastors, the tribesfolks, the other teams. I met a new me. I realized that I can maximize my potentials to bring ease to the lives of other people, make a difference, and simply bring smiles to strangers and that even far away from all the comfort i have always been used to, I realized that all I need is a heart thats willing to do anything to please God and He'd give me all that I need.

Trust Fall

2006-04-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

I never thought I had serious issues with trusting people until tonight. Well, I always knew I had trouble trusting too easily until I find that something in them that catches my trust, which I cant even define clearly for myself.

I used to be too trusting until many of those whom I believed in and fully trusted broke my confidence. So now I truly trust only a very few. I thought I was doing fine now. I never thought my problem with trust was that big or had any effect on my personality as a whole until we did this thing called "Trust Fall".

We just had our final team-building session for the Thailand outreach and one by one, they asked us to stand on a high footstall with our back facing our team mates, whose arms are lined together ready to catch us on our fall. The objective is to develop trust for one another, enough to risk our lives (or our spinal columns) and be able to fall backwards as freely as a lifeless log, knowing that our team mates will never leave us falling to our death pit.

"I _________, choose to do this event. Team mates are you ready?"
"Ready!"
"Im falling!"
"Fall!"
(Yeah, this is kinda like the "chant" thing)

I came up last, thinking that I could pull it off as easily as everyone else did. Wrong. When I was up there, I couldnt trust my team mates. I couldnt fall. I trembled and I wondered what was wrong with me. I tried twice but I didnt do the right fall. They made me rest for a bit and they told me we wouldnt quit until I do a perfect fall. Argh.

One of the facilitators asked me if i had issues with trust in the past. I thought, yes a lot of times but I dont think its much of a big deal. I mean, they are issues with other people, not my team mates. But she told me it manifests just the same.

My experiences with trust being broken several times and then finding hard to trust again and then slowly trying to trust only a very few chosen people actually affects how I trust each and every person I meet or mingle with. Hmm interesting huh?

I realized its true. And even if I say I do trust a few people, Im not sure if I can really FULLY trust any person at all. Wow. What a significant information about my inner self!

Anyway, it was something I had to deal with right there.... and I had to break free from that if I wanted a normal, happy life (not to mention if I didnt want to be kicked out from the team!). So I climbed the footstall again and positioned myself. I still trembled a little and after a few breath-taking minutes, I just prayed "Lord, your power is made perfect in my weakness." If I couldnt trust myself that I could trust my team mates, I guess what I did was to just trust the Lord to help with it.

So it worked. I did a perfect backward fall. Hooray!

I felt free.

Its really hard to put our full trust on people. In one way or another, they will break it... even those who you dont expect would. I guess there's nothing wrong with reserving a little doubt sometimes...but not at all times. I think trusting people calls for wisdom.

When trust gets broken, your heart does as well somehow. But the lesson I learned here is that people are just people. God is God. People may always do us wrong but we are never hurt without our consent. If we dwell on broken trusts, it would be hard to rebuild them. We must open our hearts to welcome those who want to be trsuted again and mean it. But its not just the heart though that must be opened, but our eyes and mind as well so we'd be awake to avoid anything being broken again. And we can always trust on God to restore broken relationships... or our broken selves.

These are what I learned: Trust is a big word. Love is fake without trust. You cannot be a full person without trust. Trust can be rebuilt with full forgiveness of self and others. And there are people who can really be fully trusted.

Warrior Is A Child

2006-04-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all my tears

They don't know
That I come running home when I fall down
They dont know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
For deep inside this armour, the warrior is a child.

Unafraid because this armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that Im amazing
I never face retreat
But they dont know the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know
That I come running down when I fall down
They dont know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
For deep inside this armour, the warrior is a child.

Loosening it up

2006-03-23T03:43:00.000-08:00

Dont you notice that there are times when it seems like the more you tighten your grip on something, the more it slips away? There is nothing you can really hold on to even with your firmest grip. It feels like some bad reaction to a hallucigenic drug. Life can be such a big bummer sometimes!

Drat. There are just a lot of thoughts I cannot let go. Thoughts like, what will I be like in the next six months? Or, is this person really who I think he or she is or says? I wish I didnt have to care if promises would get broken or not... or if the things I've been planning on would really push through or not... or if this shampoo would really get rid of split ends or not, etc... Uncertainties drive me insane.

Well, I guess the lesson behind all these thoughts is that I dont really have to hold on to anything too tightly. I should just be happy about the present. I have met so many new people that have made a difference in my life and everyday they give me a reason to believe that even if things that matter to me do slip away, it would always be good to look back on the better things and to keep hoping for the next good ones. For everything, I should be thankful... and prayerful.

I got this beautiful text message a few days ago (I just added a few more lines):

When everything goes wrong, PUSH.

When you wish for something, PUSH.

When people dont understand you, PUSH.

When things are uncertain, PUSH.

When you can't see what's behind the door, PUSH.

PUSH. PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.

P - RAY

U- NTIL

S- OMETHING

H- APPENS

I know it doesnt mean "SIT THERE IDLY AND KEEP MURMURING YOUR NEEDS HEAVENWARDS." Its just that there are times when it seems like we've exhausted all our energies trying to figure out things or find results but still we cant seem to find what we long to see or feel. The truth in this is, we cannot do the digging, the searching, the maintaining, the figuring out... There are times when we need to take a break and rest. These are the particular points in time when we have to stay still and loosen our tight grips and let go... and let God.

Sunsets and all that

2006-03-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

Photo by Dan

The sunset indicates the end of a cycle or condition. It is a period of rest, renewal, and evaluation.

Well, i'm exactly in that period of my life right now. Previously, I shared that I wanted to stop being so obsessed with the things that I'm expecting to happen. I learned another very valuable lesson from a person I look up to recently. IT IS BETTER TO HOPE THAN TO EXPECT. I thought it seemed like hoping and expecting are the same things. But thinking more deeply about it, they are not.

Expecting is wanting so much for something to happen and not giving allowance or preparation to the possibility that it may not. Hoping, on the other hand, is looking forward to something approaching but at the same time, telling yourself that if it doesnt happen, you will still be alright. Preparation makes the difference. And even faith big time.

Photo by Dan

Now, Im still doing a lot of things but I can say that Im resting just the same. I am resting from waiting. I am evaluating my daily routines from my waking up to staring at the ceiling to going to work to type away all day to going home to sleeping to waking up again... It's all meaningless. Life is short.

My closest friend in college just flew to Los Angeles to get her Master's Degree. She is going to do something that she has always wanted but she never expected she would get there so soon. I envy her a bit as I have been wanting so badly to fly over to Baltimore and I have been expecting it but it has not happened yet. But I realized that different people are meant to do different things according to the measure of faith they have been given. I am where I am right now to do fulfilling things. In the next three Sundays, I will be speaking to four towns about the Leadership Training Program at Church. In May, I will fly to Thailand to join the mission outreach. I am still busy with my youth group and the band and the worship leading team and having fun with my job. And wow, I am in-love with the best guy in the world too! I almost overlooked all these things. I am glad with the way my life is being used by God and for all the nice, cute and cuddly angels of different forms, sizes, and shapes that He sends my way everyday. Life is fun!

Photo by Dan

I am glad for the privilege to hope. I have wonderful hopes lined up. Not expectations. Hopes. And even if they may not come out the way I wanted them to or in the time I wished they would arrive, I know I am enjoying my life. And Im giving glory to Whom it is due.

I love the sunset!!! :)

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered--how fleeting my life is.
You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand
My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
at best, each of us is but a breath.
Psalm 39:4-5

It helps to NOT WAIT and just hustle

2006-02-23T15:46:00.000-08:00

I am by nature impatient. I guess Im a little brat too. Im used to getting things in my own time frame either because I work hard for it or persuade whoever promised to give them to me to make sure they give them on time. So usually, i dont wait any longer than I expect to. But these days, it seems like I'm being taught this valuable virtue of patience because all the very important things that I expect to happen in my life seem to need a lot of waiting. I can't stand it. The more I wait, I realize, the more I can't get things done.

1. My funds for the Thailand mission trip in May>> I can't wait to hear from my would-be sponsors

2. My "go signal" papers for Baltimore >> Until I get these, a lot of things can't happen yet, like:

-I can't take my American Dietetic Association (ADA) Exam
-I can't go to New York to meet up with my best friend D
-I can't meet up with my former roommate at Parkville
-I can't concentrate

These are the two things I am currently waiting for. Argh!

Lately, though, I have learned that it helps to forget about waiting (even for just a few minutes). One book I read talked about hustling while waiting. This means not being stupid just waiting and waiting but doing what you have to do while you wait. I could use that. You know, take time to smell the flowers, or just do my job instead of getting irritated that I'm still not getting these things. My mind has to rest. Where is my faith? Siiigghhh... (I dont feel Im making any sense but I know I got to my point.)

(photo by Dan. Crabapple tree in his backyard.)

"Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

Burpday Blog

2006-02-16T11:02:00.000-08:00

I always do this. I think I had another one like this with the same title last year. Or I'm not sure.

Anyway, today is my birthday (not that I think people would care haha) but it's an awesome day so i guess its blog-worthy. I'm 24 now and lots of things have changed blahblahblah... but I still hate spiders! Eeeew. Yuk!

This photo was sent to me by my best buddy D. He sure knows how to bring the nuts out of me. And that's a HUGE spider from Australia! Yuk.

Yup, this is a marvelous day! I got two early phone calls from two very close friends and heaps of text messages. You know when youre excited about something and yet you dont know what about or why but you know something exciting's about to happen? That's how I feel!

But I still hate spiders. I guess that will not change. Yuck.

When it's over

2006-02-13T17:46:00.000-08:00

In three days, I'm turning a year older. No time for cheese though. I'm too busy to get myself nuts with the past. But I have to take a break now to blog. I havent been updating. Why does it bother me when I dont get to update? Hmmm...

Anyway, when a person so dear to you (uhrrrmm... call it a past love and good friend) does not call, respond to your emails or even send you sms anymore, it means that its totally over between the two of you, am i right? So when a person does that (im talking about ditching you without clue)... even if you were good friends and you dont remember anything that you did that might have caused him to "evaporate"... you're just going to leave it all behind, right? Even when it kinda' hurts coz you dont understand why and you still do have the hope that the both of you used to hold that one day, there would still be "the two of you"?

Oh I know the answer to all of these questions. Its a simple resounding YES.

Anyway yeah, this is about me. Im moderately stupid for still dwelling on this (just moderately though). Im thankful that just before I turn another year older, I make all these new realizations and learn new lessons. My lesson for this year is "learn to let go (and do it with poise please)". A friend of mine told me he hates birthdays and I wondered why. I guess it just doesnt matter much to some people but for me, I find this time of the year meaningful everytime.

I think I'm over him. I dont know what he's thinking. Sometimes it drives me crazy. I really did fall for him. But as I said in a past entry, this is a year of lots of "moving on's" and "stepping forward's".

I have a clearer view of my plans for the future. I am grateful for the new friends I have. Soon, I will fall in love again. Undoubtedly. But for now, I am trying not to awaken love till its time. I dont want to make the same mistake.

Time to fly, goose!

I Wish I Were a Bear

2006-01-30T08:29:00.000-08:00

I Wish I Were a Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could get used to that.

And another thing: before you hibernate,
You're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business;
You swat anyone who bothers you or your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up.
He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
He likes it!

I wish I were a bear.

-Source unknown
<

Who's your bucket of cold water?

2006-01-23T15:02:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been eating too much these past few days and it annoys me, but its weird coz I always feel like wanting to munch on something. My cousin, knowing how such a weight freak I tend to be sometimes, gave me his first warning: "Tsk tsk, I gained 5 kilos the last time I was like that..." I couldn't say anything, I felt defenseless. I'm a dietitian and I'm supposed to know what to say. But I knew that I'm not on the right grounds since my cousin knows all the kinds of junk I have been stuffing myself lately. And thats what makes me feel so guilty, its driving me crazy. Plus, I have not been able to visit the gym that regularly since November 'cause I've been so busy.

*********************************************
Its been quite tiring the past weeks and I have so much to do. My youth group is opening our very first school outreach ministry so we've been quite on the run about that. And then theres band practice and too many things to write... and so many other tralala's. Too much to do really drives me insane. But so is not doing anything so I guess I'd rather do something. I can't anymore complain.

Too many things bug my head and I've been sharing them with my best buddy D and he called me a doof for thinking those things. I felt a splash of cold water all over me... like a little reality wake-up call. Sometimes when our heads get clouded with so many things, we tend to veer away from the realities of life and we get paranoid with some things and we freak out. We need people who would give us a little slap to wake up. I really thank D for being sorta like my reality checker... and my water bucket. He's fasting this week and we wont be chatting but I'm sure to get loads of water splashes from him again when he returns.

***************************************************
Yesterday I was on a little "fight" with my friend. Well, I wouldnt really call it a fight. I just had to be the one to tell his face that he did something wrong and what he did affected some of our other friends and our group as a whole. He was obviously hurt and he sulked in the corners the rest of the day and then he played the drums like he was in a mad fit. I was trying to decide within myself whether I did it the right way or not--telling him the things I said--but people confirmed it to me that he really needed a rebuke. Although I was beginning to get pissed at his actions, I wasnt too worried but sent him a note apologizing for my being "brutally frank". And my cousin (same guy who reminded me about weight watching), sort of rebuked me as well when I was beginning to make comments about how childish our friend was for abusing the drums. He was like, "Hey hey c'mon now, fix yourself!!!" Ooops, there goes another bucket of cold water splashed all over my face! First because my cousin is younger than myself and no one younger really has that much guts to say things like that to me. And second, because I knew I was indeed wrong.

Anyway, this morning I got an email from that drummer friend saying that I shouldnt be the one apologizing and he thanked me for saying all the things I said... and also for being a bit harsh (although I wouldnt say that was just "a bit"). He says it helped him grow up in a way. I guess I've just been someone's bucket of cold water.

Yea, sometimes we need a rebuke...or a slap...or a comment... or a knee-jerk quip from someone...or a splash of cold water just so that we'd wake up and realize we're not always right. ;)

My baby has grown up

2006-01-19T11:30:00.000-08:00

This is my baby beagle Whoopie. She's nine months old now (in human age count) and she's superrrrrrrrr!!!

"Money will buy a fine dog, but only love will make him wag its tail." I read this from the Encyclopedia of 15,000 Illustrations. Although I didnt really buy her coz she was given to me as a gift, everytime Whoopie wags her tail enthusiastically, licks my hand (or face if she reaches it) and excitedly jumps to reach my nose whenever I get home, I never cease to be amused. She does that to everyone in the family. Wow, she loves us! I wonder what she's really thinking.

Whoopie's like the youngest child in the family. And she's even more popular than any of us. Neighbors would pass by and they'd call her name and she knows all of them so whenever there's a new face (or smell), she'd bark like nuts! All of the kids love her too, I get jealous sometimes. Haha!

Whoopie sleeps in my brother's room. Of all the weirdest habits that she has, its her knocking on my door early in the morning to wake me up that I find most interesting. She's been doing that since she was little. Its as if to tell me, "Wake up, you have to work, you lazyhead!!!!" She's my official alarm clock and a pretty helpful one coz my mobile phone does not work for me anymore.

So this is Whoopie. Pretty soon she's gonna grow bigger and taller and have a boyfriend. I dunno what her plans are for the future but I wish her all the best! The biggest lesson that she has taught me is all about RESPONSIBILITY. (Wow, Whoopie! I dont know if youve succeeded teaching me that but thanks, I owe you one!)And I promise I'd be her best big sister ever! ;)

It's my little brother's birthday today, by the way! HAPPY BURPDAY, BRO!!! >:D<

Love for a four-year old

2006-01-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

This is my 4-year old niece, Shann, undoubtedly my favorite. She taught me the valuable lesson that there are lots of things that money CAN buy. But for everything else, there's a child's smile.

I remember the first time we were teaching her to say "I love you" and she'd say "Wuv yoooo..." And we would just keep telling her that everyday with the biggest hug we can give.

But now that she can say it on her own and better, she'd just bombard us with it till we can't anymore contain it.

"I love you." she'd say out of the blue.

"I know. You keep saying it."

"Yes. You might forget."

Isn't it true? We love people and we know that they know but it makes so much difference telling them. And although love is beyond words, it makes a big difference being told that we are loved than just simply knowing it in our heads, doesnt it?

This, we often forget and take for granted.

"I love you!!!" she'd yell for another time.

I'd smile. "And how big is that love?"

And she'd stretch out her arms as far and wide as she could (even falling sometimes). "As big as thissssssssssssssssssss..." For her, that's infinity. It's without measure.

And that's just the sweetest.

My Utmost for His Highest

2006-01-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

GOD BLOGS DO NOT GET COMMENTS! (A friend told me that). People hate it. People squirm at the very thought of it. People clam up when they read it... if they ever read it. But here, I'm going to write a GOD BLOG anyway!

Here’s the stupid thing. We think we have everything. We think we’re so good. Sometimes it’s just too hard for us to admit that everything we have is never complete and everything we are will never really be good enough. No matter how we try to turn it inside and out, that’s how we often are.

Here’s another stupid thing. Most people long most commonly for these things: peace, love, happiness, abundant life, and purpose. They search everywhere and try everything… except God. The irony is that He is the source of all these. And no matter how we try to turn it inside and out, press it down or shake it together, that’s the truth that cannot be killed.

You might not find this the coolest blog I've ever posted, but I am more than happy to be posting it.

Everything I post here has served and continues to serve its purpose in my own life and you might want it for your life too. By sharing, I pay tribute to the One who deserves all the glory. PEACE OUT!!!

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Pictures taken from booklet published by World Wide Publications (Billy Graham Evangelistic Association)

Me and D and Baltimore City

2006-01-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

2006 is my year of great expectancy! Not that I never expected great things to happen in the previous years but because I'm growing up (forward, thank Lordy), I feel that this year is going to be so much better. The Chinese call it the "Year of the Dog". But one of the very wise persons I look up to told me a few days ago that although we respect the Chinese folks' belief of the significance of that, we should rather stick with the claim that it is the "Year of the Overflow"!!! That's what she calls "Speaking Faith". Its like commanding your life to be what you want it to be coz, indeed, your life is most likely what you say it is (Just as you are what you think or say you are). So yea, I think its better to keep repeating in your head that you will have overflowing blessings this year than overflowing umm... dogs... hmmm?

1. As I wrote in my previous blog, I expect a lot of moving on's and changes. I feel like I've grown two rulers high in 2005(though I'm still vertically challenged). Moving on... because I'm awaiting my tickets to Baltimore!!! Manila is a great place and it's still my home (and the flying roaches don't change that fact) but the idea of Baltimore gives me the high because it's something different..and new. My aunt's paying for my fare and I'll be helping her tend her business. Its something exhilirating, firstly, coz I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to do and secondly, coz I've never really talked to my aunt all my life until now!!! But its great coz after all the troubles I had with the immigration papers for Australia that I have long been working on, Ive realized that maybe Australia isn't for me...YET. Its a great place and i've been dreaming to go there but I promised myself that I WILL GET THERE ONE DAY. But for now, Baltimore... woohoo!! (My good buddy Matt tells me its terribly cold there though...) :D

Its also great coz I would be in the same hemisphere as all of my Canadian friends and hopefully I'd have the chance to see them in my spare time (if I'd have any). My Canny goose friend Zak promised that he'd fly over to visit me sometime when he returns from his missionary trip to Guatemala and his best friend Rorrie says he'll tour me around Alberta during the spring (If I'm there already by that time)! That's another thing I look forward to with a huge grin.

Aside from all that, I'd also be only 4 hours away from New York City, my favorite place in the world!!! :D

2. Another awesome thing I'm expecting this year is meeting up with my best goose, Dan (D, for short..er). We dunno where were meeting up yet though. We're going skydiving (arent we, D?), yipeeeeeeeeee!!! I dunno if that'll ever take away my fear of heights (or if I can really do it to begin with) but the thought rambles my head. We still have to see about that. He's going to be flying to Ireland too in March (from Australia) and so he himself anticipates a lot of exciting new things. But the best thing about D is not his "curly tops" or his boyish good-looks (uhrrrmmm...thats his own description) nor the hilarious song he wrote about me but that he's one real unadulterated unpretentious friend (who's a major goose like me). He has a good head on his shoulders (a dollar for that...mruwahahahaha!) and he always asks me questions I have to research on to be able to answer. Hehehe. This part of this blog is, well ok, a tribute to him (so D, smile ya goose!).

There's more but I have to go back to work...ahehehehe! Peace out!! :)

Free Website Counter

Lessons of victory from a flying roach

2006-01-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

I anticipate a lot of changes in my life this year. Changes are exciting for me... although scary sometimes. I ponder this cheesiness right now after a short battle with a flying roach, in which i emerged victorious! Ooh, sweet sweet victory! Let me describe this feat a little...

I was thinking of something so noble when suddenly this roach flies above me from out of nowhere! I was actually pondering my shortcomings in the previous year (Uhrrmmm...). Ok and trying to think of what to do with my blog template as well. And there, that ugly thing suddenly flies above me, disrupting all my thoughts. I tried not to scream (because hey, i've been proudly telling everyone in the house that I've "grown up"!). Yea, so maybe out of pride, i gathered all courage to attack that little ugly, smelly thing that came from out of nowhere. What was it doing in my room? Dang!

With all the boldness I have collected for myself, I picked up the Baygon Insect Spray and squirted a "fatal amount" all over that little ugly smelly piece of crap! Wooossshhh! (Of course I felt stupid after, as I always feel whenever I overdo the spraying attack considering that i'm battling with just ONE piece of that little ugly smelly piece of underground nuisance!) But it gave me great joy seeing it going insane in its near-death symptoms. The only problem was that it could fly and so while it tried to fight death in all its squirming ugliness, it kept flying around in its dizzy state. What a pest!

Ok, so I won that little battle yay (Congratulate me!!!)! But i didn't finish my blog template. And as work starts again soon (bye holiday break!), i dont think i can get back to it soon. I was talkin about changes at the start coz I think I'm the kind of person who tries to find ways to enjoy changes. Thats the same reason why I wanted to change the template. I dont like monotony. I love surprising and being surprised.

I have a feeling I might need to do a lot of moving on at the start of this year. I anticipate a lot of surprises (both good and bad) and in the same way, I'm also getting ready to surprise (in a good way). And I'm ready for whatever battle I may have to face. Got all my gears in place. I'm ready to laugh and cry and laugh some more and goose around a little (or okay, a big). One thing I realized is that whenever a door closes, a window always opens... or vice-versa.

So c'mon 2006, I'm ready!!!

Free Web Counter

2005 Summary of the Life of a Nobody

2005-12-31T22:58:00.000-08:00

I wrote myself this letter last night...

Dear Me,

2005 is over! Wow! How time flies! Can you believe 1982 was 24 years ago?! Next thing you know, youre 26-- the age you plan to get married and be Mrs. Somebody. But dont imagine that yet. It'll arrive. Just as your new motto goes, "Dont awaken love until its time." So finish all that you have to do and worry about all the gooey stuff when you're done fixing yourself first.

Let me summarize 2005 for you the simplest way possible:

- A hospital job
- A writing job
-An almost dead laptop
- Jesus
- Youth camps
- Revival
- Career confusion
- Michael
- Australia
- Whoopie
- "Feeding Whoopie Fights" with bro
- Friends' weddings
- Fashion TV
- House renovations
- Immigration papers
- Songwriting
- A book in progress
- A new computer
- HP 3-in-1 Printer/Scanner/Photocopier
- Concerts
- Band practices
- Song numbers
- Pop star Audition
- Photos
- Junk emails
- Friendster, Myspace, Christianster, Blogger
- Google Mail
- Your website (thanks to Chris)
- Witnessing Opportunities
- Trips to the gym
- Diarrhea
- "I don't care what mean things others do or say to me, I am just going to be the best that I can be" dialogue
- Wrestling with little Shann
- Vocal exercises with little Nicole
- Bath & Body Works Cherry Blossom Moisturizer
- New best friends
- Selfless acts of service
- Humility: BIG WORD
- Inspirations unlimited
- Best goose Daniel
- Badblogs

I believe this is the summary of everything that really mattered. Good or bad, they made you grow in a way or another. Collect more fond memories and be a better person in 2006, k? You do that by growing up. So listen well to the wise sayings and fight the good fight. So yay! Happy New Year!

Love,
Yourself

Free Web Counter

Bad blogs

2005-12-31T02:35:00.000-08:00

Okay wow, i didnt even know this happens around here but a certain loser actually reposts our blogs on his own page when he thinks its "bad". He calls his webpage BADBLOGS. Hmm... isn't that lame?

I just found out coz a concerned blogger gave me notice by putting a comment on one of my blogs... (which isnt the one featured in the loser's page). Anyway, I commented back,

"I think the person who does this must be more than just bored. He has totally no life at all. As in zero. And what does our blogs mean to him? Bad or good, they are "OUR" blogs and who cares what the mofo thinks? We can write whatever we choose to... even nonsense in our most incoherent moments. Maybe he has no brain. That loser can go on being a lame lowlife and we'll go on blogging... Aight? ;)"

Ok I must admit, that was a bad blog that I had there that he posted on his site but I'm wondering how he caught it. I deleted that blog long before I learned he copied it on his page because I was upset when I wrote it and it was a total nonsense. Hmm he must have so much free time to have found it. It had me wowed a little. It was one of those I wrote during my "blank head" moments when I really had nothing to say but still blogged just to have something to say coz its my page anyway and whoever "passes by" to read it is just "passing by" and wouldnt really give it much attention or care so much to make a fuss out of any nonsense I may be saying. Or i thought so...

As I browsed through the other featured "bad" blogs he had, I was struck with annoyance. I was pissed not merely by the fact that I had one blog included there (or maybe more, I didn't check) but because I thought this guy should be minding his own business. He shouldn't be doing that. Its a total lack of respect for other people's viewpoints and maybe even writing abilities. People's standards with regards to what is a bad blog and what isn't differ but he doesn't care about that because maybe it gives him a certain feeling of elation to be able to insult others in some way. He finds what he does funny. He thinks he's cool. Poor guy. But since our blogs are open to the public, i guess they are open to be included in his collection as well. I dont think we can do anything about that. And if we contact him to protest, maybe it would make him feel a lot happier. Maybe he has some insecurity issues or something.

My blogs represent my different moods in various moments. I am not a bad writer. I dont need to write knee-jerk quips just to be praised. I dont blog to insult others. And I am not posting entries to be insulted either. I am writing what my head gives me at the moment. I can post the lamest, cheesiest, most annoying, most boring, most incoherent, out-of-this-world, craziest, stupidest, silliest, longest, shortest blog entry I can write and anyone who has a problem with it surely has a mental problem.

Happy New Year!

Free Web Counter

About minding our own monkeys

2005-12-04T03:21:00.000-08:00

There’s a little part of my brain that speaks to itself. Or so I explain to myself to counter this “questionable” behaviour that I have. I have this habit of thinking out loud when I’m all alone. I don’t do it when I’m in a public place or if I’m with anyone—just when I’m all by myself.

I don’t even tell myself not to do it when I’m around people. The habit just seems to automatically shut off. It amazes me because I have a friend who does the same thing, but she does it everywhere. She can’t control it. She does it in the fast food queues when were waiting for our turns to order. She used to it when we were taking our exams in school. She would snap into it even in the middle of a conversation as if she suddenly fell into her own world. She does it in every situation that requires thinking or decision-making. And she does it loud enough for another person to hear and think that her bolts might be going unscrewed.

I tell her that I find that habit of hers funny. I also admitted to her that if I didn’t happen to know her, I’d surely think she’s some weirdo who’s a definite candidate for a mental asylum lock-up. But I definitely do know that is not true. We would just laugh about it but she would tell me she doesn’t really care what people think anymore. She used to do it as a child when there was nobody to talk to. It’s a habit she cannot seem to outgrow and she just lets it overcome her everyday of her life, “like making her brain her best friend and talking to it without any care about what other people would think or say”. It seems like she has made it a “de-stressing” habit. I see it as a sort of a “release” or well, maybe I can call it liberation. It’s like telling other people, “Back off! I’m using my own brains now and if you can’t do the same, mind your own beeswax!”

I’m sure she’s not the only person on earth who does the same thing. Well, “mental patients” really do that and would blab about whatsoever. But I’m sure there are those who are really just plain “thinking out loud to themselves”—in public. I’ve never really given this much thought before but I used to scoff at people who do this. I would, as anyone’s probable initial reaction, think they are just too weird and are about to attack the persons to their immediate surroundings. In short, unfair as I am to judge them like that, I conclude that they’re probably crazy.

Then I realized I actually do the same thing sometimes. I don’t do it with an audience, but I still do talk to myself. Sometimes, in the middle of doing it, I’d feel a bit silly but I wouldn’t really mind because I know I’m not crazy. Even if I talk to myself all day, I wouldn’t stand in front of the mirror to turn my nose up at myself. I know it’s just normal to think out loud.
I was in a bit of a struggle trying to find my point on reflecting upon this. I think I have found it now. There are things we do that most people would not understand or would find weird or crazy. It’s not just thinking out loud or talking to ourselves. It could also be things like wanting to be alone or not talking. We may not be able to explain to them our reasons for doing these things or sometimes, we’re not given the chance. Sometimes too, we don’t think it’s worth the effort to explain or we simply just don’t care what they say or think.

If I didn’t know my friend well, I would probably find her different too and even judge her unfit of my company. I know it’s harsh. I’m glad I know her story.

You might not like a person for being “weird”, but that person surely has a story. The story could be inspiring or heart-wrenching or uninteresting to you, but it could be something big to that person. So unless you know it, it’s best not to judge. Unless the person really suddenly attacks or starts to pull someone’s hair, it’s better to look at him as another normal human being. You should still be as careful and vigilant as you can be or want to, but its best to learn how to mind your own business in moments that call for it.

The Story of The Big, Hairy Spider On My Shower Curtain

2005-08-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

I hate spiders. Its common knowledge. But today was a more special day to be have an encounter with one. I groggily walked to my bathroom and there it was!!! On my shower curtain!!! A big, hairy spider hanging out peacefully. And as i got my first goosebumps for the day, I lost all inclination to remain all-groggy as I initially planned.

I stared at it for a moment, gathering strength and courage to get ready for an attack. I watched and it was just so still. But I was thinking maybe its a defense tactic or something. And when Im the one not moving, it would suddenly jump right at my nose!!! I held on to my slipper tight... but I couldnt move. THoughts filled my head. And I remembered the story of the wasp and the spider... which I dont really completely remember. I also remembered Robert Fulghum's reminder to try to look at things from the spider's point of view. I remembered all stories related to the spider. Inside my head, I tried to form my own story and even write a complete essay about the logic of its existence.

Hmmm... the spider's point of view... Well, it must have thought, "Why is this weird huge creature staring at me with a slipper on her hand?"... In other days, I would have just called my brother to kill it immediately and dispose of its lifeless body. But today was different. I thought first.

I thought of all the reasons why I am scared of this hairy thing. WHy? Its not even bigger than my palm!!! This is just one of the things that annoy me about myself!

I stared at it one last time. I wanted to kill it but my fear was still there. I decided not to do anything with it and just try to go on with my usual morning activities.

But my dad did it anyways... He killed it. Maybe it was sort of like an instinct. Dad's still my hero.

Insurmountable Courage

2005-07-21T03:38:00.000-07:00

This is what I badly need these days...

The worrywarts of today...

2005-07-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

...are still the worrywarts of tomorrow!!!

Thats the biggest thing I learned for today! Im exhausted and in the middle of it all, I realized one thing--the same people who kept on whining to me the other day were the same people who annoyed me to the brim with a different series of worries and complaints today. What the heck?! Life's too short to spend on too much grumbling and worrying. Its okay to do it sometimes but everyday? Whoa! That's just hopeless. Time flies, I dont think its wise to spend them all that way. The best thing to do is to find solutions to whatever bites us every waking minute of our lives.

So please, worrywarts, off my pants!!! Take a deep breath and take it easy! Have fun or you'll get a real bad stiff neck and hyperacidity!!! :-P

My Pop Star Stint

2005-06-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

I always knew I'm not meant to be a pop superstar but everyone seems to keep insisting that I should try my luck at it (Hello??? I dont look Britney-ish!!!). So ok, today I auditioned for a Pop Idol kinda' thing. I was actually not qualified for it because they needed 15-21 year olds and I knew that beforehand but I still filled out the forms and performed anyways. I guess the audition masters didnt notice it at first. Anyhow, they said I performed well except that they can't let me advance to the next stage because of the age rule. I told my friend Erik about it (he's notorious for mocking me about all the stupid things I do) and well, yes he did mock me!!! He was like, "What could be worse than that?" For me, I don't think there was anything wrong with that. It may be a bit corny but its not shameful at all. In fact, I'm glad I tried it coz it was such an experience. And I really enjoyed today! It was sort of like making my mom and my friends' long-time dream for me come true. They've always wanted me to try these things out and I did. I'm happy. :)

Web Site Counters

Bamfoozled

2005-06-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

I am a nutcase. But then again, I know I dont have to say that because it's common knowledge. But here's my head again...so overflowing with confusion. If someone would put some kind of a monitor that would show a graphical presentation of how my trail of thoughts go, it would be something like a fluctuating line that go straight at some points and then off to different directions and off the track at most...

There are just so many things I wanna do with my life. And i can't decide what to do first... And its like theres too much waiting to be done in most parts as well. Ugh... waiting is just the toughest part. But its God's way of teaching people to be still I guess...coz we need it to grow and learn important stuff like that thing they call patience (which you cant buy in stores). I wish that as my butt is still, my mind can do the same even for just a few seconds coz no matter how I try to quit thinking, i just think and think and think. Now I kinda miss the "blank wall" moments where I would just stare without much on my mind. But nevertheless, I'm thankful that my mind's not being idle. It's always active and kicking... and causing me to do "nutcasey" activities like teaching my dog how to sing...

Aaaargh, my head is swamped. Thats about it.

Web Counter

My New Baby

2005-06-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

I have a new baby... And well, she's a doggie. Yes, she's the one on the pic... A beagle (Snoopy's cousin). I named her Whoopie (It was supposed to be Skippy but my friend Tony protested that Skippy is a kangaroo and not a dog). Anyway, I'm writing about this because I'm really excited about my new baby... and I've learned a lot from this cute thing!

First, Whoopie taught me how to wake up early consistently. I work only every other day and during my days off, I am a total sluggard. I tend to be a slow poke and I end up not finishing what I plan to do. But during Whoopie's first days with me, she used to wake me up at exactly 4:45AM everyday so I'd take her out to pee or do other things. I know that's such a drag but I learned about the concept of total responsibility. I wanted the dog so I have to put up with everything that goes with her. (She's a gift I got from my new friend at work). And now that she's been with me for a month and a half, she wakes up a little later than that time but I get to do lots more now that I'm used to waking up early.

Second, Whoopie ripped off my mom's fear of dogs. My mom never liked the idea of having her in the house. We haven't had pets for a long time... and when we used to have dogs, my uncles were the ones who took them in their houses. But when Whoopie arrived, it was such a sweet thing to see my mom tending her like her youngest child. She's now a part of the everyday budget and meal plans. She even has her own room now (which happens to be the bathroom). It's obvious to everyone that she's the new member of the family... not only coz everyone seems to start baby-talking to her when they see her (which I find lame but tolerable). Even if I was the one who brought Whoopie in the house, my mom has taken the responsibility of bathing her; my brother, of feeding her; and my dad, of taking her out for walks. The only thing left for me to do is to buy all the "doggie stuff" she needs and play with her during my spare time.

Whoopie's sweetness is appreciated by everyone...even all the neighbors. I'm proud of her for that. My friend tells me that beagles are attention-seekers. Well, that's one of Whoopie's most obvious traits. She jumps around more when we get busy with other things and forget about her. She clings to our jeans when she sees us ready to go out. But what I appreciate is that she never sleeps until all four of us have come home. She waits at the porch or in the living room until one by one we have arrived. I always get to be the last to arrive. One time, I thought she was already asleep in the bathroom (her "bedroom") so I just went straight to my room, but when she heard my voice, she got up and knocked on my door. (I'm super going to miss her when I leave for Australia in August, waaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!)

Yep, that's my baby... :D

Web Counter

The Next Future Me

2005-05-11T03:18:00.001-07:00

Meet Baby Nicole... She's half-Romanian... Another niece of mine. Aint it obvious I'm proud of my nieces? She's only 6 months old and Shann is 3 years. Another 6 months and she'll be another little me. Hahaha! ;) I'm loving this...

Meet the Little Me

2005-05-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

Little Shann

This is my little niece, Shann, the little me... She never ceases to make my days bright. SOme of my poems are about her.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkkk

2005-05-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

How do you like my comeback pics? Since i'm not in the proper condition to write (for a reason i dont know), im just going to post pics in the mean time...

When i cant write

2005-05-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

It's not like anyone misses me but hey blog world, im back!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't write. What's wrong with me? I've been attempting to blog like normal for the past weeks but it seems like i dont feel like it. I've also missed doing a lot of things on here... most especially "prowling" through the blog world and looking for blogs to write comments on... most especially Ricky D's (How are u, buddy?).

It must be the exhaustion. Work tires me. But i think i've gotten the hang of it now. And i think i have a cooler perspective on things. Lesser drama, the better. And i think i've forgotten how it is to worry. Yea, i really have. Ask me how, i might remember how i did it.

I miss writing poems... I havent written in a while. And i never really got to re-write the one that got lost. So annoying...

Grrrrrrrr blog

2005-04-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

The other day, i tried to post a new blog entry. I wrote this really long poem from the bottom of my heart. Nope, it wasnt mushy or anything like that but I kinda put my whole head into it. And like nature felt like playing a stupid joke on me, the screen just suddenly froze when I tried to publish it. And well, yes, i lost the whole poem. I couldnt believe it! It felt like the day I rode a cab carrying some important documents I needed for my board exams and left the whole thing and I cried and cried and cried at the thought that I was back to zero and I had to get all those documents over again...

No, I didnt cry about the poem. I felt a little sad and well, umm... I was in the "grrrr mode" after that happened. Heck, that poem was long and I liked it and I felt like if I'm going to write it again, i wouldnt like it just as much as before! So yeah, it sucked that I lost it coz the stupid screen froze for no reason at all.

Hmmmmmmmm........

I was going to start reflecting about all the other things I have lost in the past that mattered in a way or another that made me sad, but I'm like, "Naaahhhhh...never mind..."

I havent blogged in a while. I just got home from my camping adventures at some solitary camping site about six hours away from my place. I had so much fun with my friends!!! We were there for three days and we took part in some challenges like those in Amazing Race and Fear Factor. There were some really "eeew challenges" that I'd hate to elaborate but despite that our faces had to be "drenched" in mud and other "eeew stuff" and we totally lost all the poise and dignity we had left, my friends and I don't regret joining the "misadventures".

I lost my voice though. Thats another thing that I lost that makes me sad. I can't sing. Waaaaaaaaah! Now I dont have anything against the ghosts at my workplace. Haha! But really, its hard to lose your voice. You're forced to just keep quiet and whatever people say, you have to just nod or shake your head or do other funny stuff just to be understood. Its not like I can't talk anymore. Its just hard coz I get a headache and I sound like a 90-year old. Funny coz I just did a book report for a friend of mine three weeks ago and the title of the story was "The Mystery Of The Lost Voice". What a coincidence!!!

Lemme try working on that poem again...

Free Counter

The day i told myself i wont post a blog but i still did anyway coz i cant figure out something better to do...

2005-03-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

So i face my computer with a lot of things racing through my head. I didnt go to work today because its Tuesday. Im off on Tuesdays and Thursdays and weekends. I spent the day designing and finishing a backdrop for my church's 15th year anniversary celebration on Sunday. It should be fun!!! I had so much doing the art works and stuff. Ive missed being creative. Sometimes i feel like things come too easy nowadays that many situations dont warrant much thinking anymore. Well, its just my own opinion. ..

Anyway, I love art really. Today my friend made me look at this real nice world-class painting and asked me to write a reaction on it. Just one paragraph. Im thankful that he didnt make me do anything longer than that 'cause I dont think I would have had enough zest to force out of myself to do it. I happen to have written his lil sister's book report too last week so I feel like I've had "a little" enough of stuff that reminds me of my "sweet school days".

Wait, im not done with this blog yet but im kinda sleepy so maybe i'll just write something better the next time i tell myself i wont post a blog but still do it anyway coz i cant figure out something better to do...

Or I could write about a dead roach or something...

About the dead mouse behind my closet

2005-03-26T22:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, I can't believe im posting a blog entry about a dead mouse, but uhumm I'm doing it. Ive not been online for ages and I actually feel like I'm doing this all over again...like I'm new on the internet or something... like this is the first time I've ever blogged... NOT! Hahaha! I'm just trying to recondition myself here.

Okay, back to the ridiculous dead mouse story...

I was cleaning up my room after about 48 years and tadaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.... I saw a dead little mouse behind my closet. So here I go shriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!

"What's wrong?" It's my brother to the rescue.
Poker face. "A dead mouse, look." I said trying to look sheepish so he'd help me get rid of it.
"Oh please... You're not afraid of live mice." Yeah, my sheepish face didnt work. And he wasnt there to the rescue after all.
"Yeah but this is dead. Its different. Its creepier when its dead...And it stinks too..." I argued.
I think I saw my brother in an expression of wanting to erase his face or something.
"You're hopeless..." he said and took the dustpan and swept the dead mouse away.

Yay bro! And that's basically the story of the dead mouse.

What i'm trying to point out here is not the fact that I'm such a whiny little scaredy cat (I'm scared of even big dead spiders too) or that i hate dead mice. Truth is, I dunno why im writing about this. But its a simple scenario of my not-so-simple life that made so much impact on me. There are lessons to learn from a dead mouse. Lessons of courage. I know i shouldn't have shrieked. I could have swept it out myself and spared myself of being called hopeless and feeling like a total whining loser. And there's the realization that a dead mouse is kinda like spilt milk...its something not worth crying over (or in this case, shrieking over). And there's the other realization that yeah, I guess I really am hopeless sometimes. And that sometimes, my brother does little heroic acts I take for granted because I'm busy being self-centered and trying to be a hero myself.

Oh and yeah, I should be cleaning up my room more frequently.

Well, there's lots to learn from a dead mouse, indeed.

Ghosts

2005-03-17T14:47:00.000-08:00

There are ghosts at my work place. Lots of them of all shapes and sizes. I could also mean just the annoying people that my friends and i refer to as "ghosts", but in this case i mean the entities from the other realm. Yes, the real goosebump-causing, hair-raising ones.

I saw a man wearing white standing 5 meters away from me outside the kitchen behind a glass wall that lead to the stairs. He was watching me drain the sterilized hospital trays. His top looked like a chef's uniform, but i couldn't see his face. I went back into the room and told my staff about him. It was a bit odd having someone there, we thought, because we are on the third floor and nobody really comes up there just for the mere purpose of watching. In the first place, there's nothing worthy of watching in the dietary department... except maybe the food??

My staff said that the man could just be the guy who sometimes goes up to our floor to clean up. I agreed and went back outside to go on with what i was doing. I looked at where he was standing but he was gone. I roamed my eyes throughout the whole area but he was nowhere to be found, so i just stopped looking. After about ten seconds, i accidentally just looked and i found him standing near the spot where he previously stood and he was still watching. It gave me the creeps and I wondered where he came from cause he got there so fast, but I went inside not saying a thing. I just kept on convincing myself that it was a hospital personnel.

That was until the "clean-up" guy came in rushing to tell us the news that a patient downstairs, whose room was near the spot where I saw the man, saw a creepy figure opening the room door. That patient asked to be transferred to another room. I asked the guy if he was the one watching me drain the trays. He said it wasnt him. So we rushed to the exact site where I saw the man. We found out that he was standing in a spot that is not possible to be stood upon by a normal person. The area was covered with grills that couldnt be pushed and there was no way any ordinary person can get in there.

There was a bit of a commotion when people learned about my "sighting". They wanted to know how "he" looked like and if he floated or what. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and make "him" think he's so important. He's not. He's just some bored entity trying to scare the heck out of me. Then people started telling me their own experiences and those of others. They told me about babies crying at night, patients being awakened by a mystery person, a man wearing black, a little girl, a cat following a nurse, a lady wearing white in the x-ray room, a head floating around...

With everything I heard, I just kind of automatically got used to the idea that I have more to see so I guess I've somehow prepared for it.

And yesterday it happened again. I saw a shadow on the wall and it walked really fast, like it was trying to escape from my presence. That was right after the hospital administrator herself had her first share of the creeps. She was inside a room checking on a sleeping patient and the doorknob suddenly turned. And it just kept turning like the person outside was having a hard time getting in for some reason. She just stared at it for a moment and she saw that the door was not even locked. She thought that a nurse was trying to get in to check on the vital signs of the patient, so the doctor opened the door. But yeah you guessed it, there was nobody outside the door. There was not even a single person on the floor. So she rushed to the nurses' station and asked everyone if anybody went to that room. Of course there was no one. Anyway, the shadow that I saw was at the wall of that same room. I think it went real fast cause I was singing something that it couldnt take.

Everytime I pass by those areas now, I sing. I think it makes them tremble. Funny. And I enjoy the idea of scaring them. I only wish it scares the "other ghosts" too so they would shut up and mind their own beeswaxes!

I think i was a boy in my past life...

2005-03-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

Hahaha! (Okay, how many blogs should start with hahaha?). Its a signal that this is going to be pretty insane.

I don't believe in past lives really, but i still say this statement coz theres no other way i can think of putting it. It just got into me how I seem to like doing boy stuff. I like to play the drums (Yes, the drums magnetize me and when i see one, I rush to play even when im wearing a skirt! Mock me!). I like cars and races. I like video games. I like watching NBA and NFL. But no, I don't like women. Just because I'm having "men fatigue" doesn't mean I'm gay. Uh-ugh. I'm just a girl cowboy...or something. Hahaha!

Maybe this is the reason why its easy for me to be friends and get along well with guys. My social circle isn't an all-girly group either. The only problem I usually have is that men start to eventually ask for more than friendship. It happens many times. Sometimes I feel like its not really possible to keep something "platonic" with them. But I do have guy friends who are just there to stay insane and goof around through thick or thin, in sickness or in health.

I'm close with my bro as well. We went to the same schools together and I remember that when we used to bump into each other in campus, we were either borrowing money to buy junkies or telling each other to piss off and keep away from each other's friends. He's two years younger than me. We fight a lot, yeah. That's normal...especially that we're both obnoxious beings who emerged from the same unobnoxious womb. But my brother influences my liking for basketball and football. He's the only sibling I have, by the way. I have two older "sisters", who are my cousins and whom I'm very close with as well. They were the ones responsible for "honing" the girly side of me... I'm just guessing.

My dad's one of my best friends as well (My mom too, but were talking about the origin of my "boyhood" and its influences). He doesnt treat me like a boy but he's my jogging bud. And he's the funniest guy I know. I think I got a huge part of the insanity from him ( Too bad he won't read this). His jokes are hilarious and whenever he's around, there's always laughter. He has very creative ways of telling you his friend's names. He gives out funny clues and stuff and until you're almost choking from too much laughing, he won't stop. Yep, that's my dad. When he talks about serious things like the fact that I would be married in the future, he puts in a way that is not irritatingly pressuringly baffling. That I'm close with him makes me feel like any "men problems" I may have can just be laughed off. Not that they should ot be taken seriously. They should just be taken lightly. The song "Butterfly Kisses" tells our story. Its about a dad singing a song about his little girl from the time she learned how to ride a pony to when she turned 16 to when he had to give her away on her wedding day...

Okay, before this turns into something gooeystick, I have to find my point. My point is that there's my dad and bro to blame for my boyish interests. This is something rather inconspicuous really. People don't think these are what I like to do until they see me hitting the drum set wearing a nicey-nicey skirty with dangling earrings and makeup. Or till they learn I cheer for Lakers like there's no tomorrow and that I know the history of the NBA.

Case closed. I'm a boy. Live with it.

And no, Ricky D, I don't smile more widely about the dessert thing (In reference to the comment I got to the blog entry below this). I pretend I don't hear it. Thats easier. ;-)

My Thoughts Disintegrated

2005-03-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

So I'm supposed to be in my office now but i went out looking for a computer shop where I can blog. Yes, I'm this terrible! I'm bored.

I now work in a hospital as Chief Dietitian. I started Monday of last week. And well, I got my first pay yesterday. Yay! Thats awesome, I know. I can go shopping this weekend. At this hour, it usually gets real boring coz theres nothing to do. And I'm allowed to go out. So here I am now doing something totally not related to my job. It's called de-stressing.

Hey I need a break anyway. I've not really asked for a break out loud but they gave me one now. I've not been in-front of the computer for days coz i get totally exhausted and when I get home, I'd be a dead cabbage. I'd just take a shower and crash. No more quality time with my pc. Yes, no dinner too. I'm an undernourished nutritionist. My mom got a good look of me the other day and she was like, "You look like a stick." And I replied, "At least a smiling stick, ma!"

Starting next week, I can already report to work on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays only. But for my first two weeks (which will end this Friday), I have to be at the hospital everyday to familiarize myself with the routines and stuff. But I'm already familiar. SO now I'm re-familiarizing myself with my blogging habit.

For days, I've been putting up with everyone getting so excited to "meet the newbie". I'm glad everyone's been nice. But i've also been putting up with this doctor who goes to my area after lunch declaring that my smile is his dessert. And this other guy who keeps popping on the fridge near my office to get water about 7 times in a minute and then asking me stuff like how old i am or where i live or do i have a boyfriend tralalala. And these buncha students doing on-the-job training who hang out near the stairs that lead to the Dietary Department. There are men everywhere. My friends say they think I should wear a helmet. But I dont need that. My defenses are up even if I don't tell them. It's called "men fatigue".

Anyway, my friend Michael is helping me with my moving to Australia. I've changed my mind about going to Singapore to work. I've just laid out better plans, which I'm still prayin for.

Before I got this job, my thoughts were disintegrated. They were everywhere and no one could talk to me straight. All I could do right was to write poetry. BUt then this job came and the hope of getting the paper I need to go to Australia. I'm just thankful. I see a little direction now. ANd I'm really happy about how things are going.

This job is tiring. Really tiring. There's no elevator and my department is on the third floor while my office and the nurses' station is on the first floor. Imagine how many times I have to go up and down in a day. My consolation is that my staff's a crazy and happy bunch. They keep me sane.

And yes, Im ready to throw away the treadmill.

Okay, I gotta go back to the hospital now.

Warped

2005-02-23T20:45:00.000-08:00

Today is a warped day. What's a warped day like? Simple. It is one that has the following characteristics in no particular order, which would manifest in you possibly all together or one at a time:

Lack of coordination
Inability to think (or walk) straight
Slurred speech
Incoherent blabbering
Inexplicable gestures

And these are not induced by alcohol or drugs or any chemical substances. They just happen like some weird inexplicable phenomenon you can't control.

Here's a scenario....

I went by the grocery store just to pick up something before going to work. I saw an acquiantance, who I've seen for about four times already just this morning. So in staggering steps, I went up to her...

"Hi! What are you doing here?"

She just smiled. Duhhhhhh at me! She's grocery shopping, what the heck?!

"Errr-- I mean, I see you everywhere. You're ubiquitous!" I said. I thought I said that so fast I saw her eyebrows twitch.

"I'm what?" She asked with a short laugh, her eyes conspicuously showing that she thinks I must be on drugs on something.

"Oh nothin. Don't mind me, I'm a mental asylum escapee..." I said, in a dead seious tone that made it sound like I was saying something with so much sense.

"You're a what?" She laughed like there's no tomorrow. And I was drumming on the shelf (Why on earth?!)

I came to myself and I wondered why I said that. I forced a laugh and told her I should be shopping. But I wasnt really there to shop so I wondered again why I said that. But anyway, I left her... probably believing that I am really what I claim to be... a mental asylum escapee.

You get the point? Anywayzzz, I think I have developed this great liking for the word "warped". I don't know why, but it started when I was in the hospital (If you dont know the story, see my blog entitled "What The Heck?!" at www.bubblegumbraininaknapsack.blogspot.com). Maybe its because I like how it sounds... and also 'cause thats how I see things sometimes.

I wrote a poem when I was in the hospital and it had the lines "My vision showed everything warped." But I wrote a new poem and entitled it "Warped". I figured I should give it a little independence and let the word stand by itself.

Warped

I wrote you something

But left it inside my head

Circling, hanging

Like a disease ready to spread.

And its going to burst

Anytime I decide

Like a little curse

That toppled on my pride.

For when I see you,

I remember all throughout

Like the times I had the flu

I wish to sneeze it all out.

But when I wrote you something,

I didnt have strength enough

To pretend I'm hurting

'Cause I'm not, I'm really not;

And what I feel right now

Are the knots in my stomach.

I'm tired somehow,

Somehow it's all warped.

I swiped a little dignity

But it turned out a scrap;

I suspended in monotony.

So I'm whispering,

Wishing I could go back

To the time I was wishing

That you would come back,

So I can let you know

What's hanging in my head.

But seeing your shadow

Leaves it all dead.

I'm out.

A Blog of Thanks To An Unknown Friend (Rewritten)

2005-02-21T22:30:00.000-08:00

I have written this blog before on my other blogger account www.bubblegumbraininaknapsack.blogspot.com It's a tribute to my "unknown" friend Ricky D (www.chachonips.blogspot.com), the first person to ever post a comment on my very first blog (which was entitled "A Blog About Sex"). However, I deleted some blogs (including my very first blog) one insane day when I thought it was the best way to forget some things that I wanted to let go of. I also deleted even the tribute for Rick from my page, which included a poem. But I didn't really completely delete it. I copied it onto Word and saved it. When he had learned about the deletion, he didnt understand why I had to do that. Well, ummm...I didn't really understand either. I just thought at that moment that it was the right thing to do. (Blame it on the impulses of my youth.) But rest assured, whatever I wrote on there, I meant all of 'em. I was just confused.

When I read what I saved, I thought its better to rewrite it. I know that most of the time, the original piece always is the best, but I have found a deeper reason for doing this. The girl who wrote that tribute before isn't the same girl who is re-writing it now. I could still feel the negative vibes that girl was feeling towards some people while she was posting that blog, despite that it was about something positive...which is moving on.

Let me just tell you why I wrote that "Blog of Thanks" for my friend. Its true that we are just strangers in this "crazy mixed-up internet of ours" (these are his words). But Ricky D and Bubblebrain (that's me) surprisingly stepped into some parallel dimension at the same point in time. At a simultaneous moment, they were overwhelmed and overcome by considerable grief due to "relationship problems" (an understatement). When I say "parallel", I mean it was a totally amusingly similar situation. And yet they don't know each other. They are just a buncha goofballs commenting on each other's blog pages.

Maybe Ricky D thought that my deletion of that blog meant that I was not sincere when I wrote it. He stopped posting comments and "avoided" my page for a time. And whoa, that boggled me! His insights have become like a staple to my blog life.

But I'm glad he's back...and with a photo too!

I re-wrote this because I wanted to "refresh" it (And I hope it's okay, Ricky D). I feel like I'm a different person now. But even if I feel that way, I won't cease thanking people who have helped (and still are helping) me truly move forward....even those I haven't even met in person yet.

So Ricky D, THANKS...AGAIN. ;-) And good luck on finding yourself like you told me you wanted to do.

The Day After My Birthday

2005-02-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

The day after my birthday, my grandma died. She's my dad's aunt, the last of my late grandma's sisters. She had cancer.

I remember the time when we first learned she was sick. The doctor couldn't tell her, so my dad and aunt had to do it. She said she was ready to hear anything then, but when she was told of the situation, she was so scared. She felt too weak just hearing that she was sick.

Despite that she wasnt told about what the doctor really said---that she only had a few, VERY FEW, months to live--she was the one who kept repeating it. She kept saying she wasn't going to probably live that long and would rather just let it be.... like she wanted to die right then. She wanted to stop all treatments. She didn't want the cure.

But of course, no one listened to her. She was admitting defeat. Not good. Very wrong. But we all fought for her and kept lifting her spirits up. We wanted her to go on with that fight. Miracles do happen...and that's something that I personally believe, having had my own near-death experience when I was four years old.

When I was four, I died for about fifteen minutes. My heart stopped beating. I used to write endlessly about this before. I kept telling it to friends a long time ago. But I got tired somehow. But everytime something like this happens...everytime death waves its eerie wand indicating its near presence at any place, I remember my experience. There were white lights and people crying around me. And I was sitting on the hospital bed just looking around. I never really understood what was happening. But that is all I could remember of it.

So everytime someone gives up on life and seemingly welcomes death with open arms, I clench my fists. I hate to hear something like that. Life is too sweet to give up on...even if death is starting to do the cradling.

Dying must be a weird experience. I am always boggled by how much time it actually takes to lose our life. A nanosecond? Shorter? I dunno, but maybe it happens so fast, the body doesnt even realize whats going on at that instant. See, I died....for fifteen minutes... but I cant even explain what happened...or how it happened. It was called clinical death. But I came back with more sense. I came back and now I regard life with more significance.

I know there's eternity. Life doesnt really stop at death. But how do these things really happen?

Anyway, my grandma fought. I know she didn't want to, but she did fight. And for that, I'm proud of her.

When she was getting weak, we were all kind of accepting that she might not be with us for long. But I was going to have my birthday. I prayed that she won't go on my birthday. I didnt tell it to her. I just whispered it to God. And God must have granted my wish. She took her the day after.

Her fight isn't over just because she lost her life. She wasn't defeated... because I'm here writing about how she fought. She fought with so much courage. She fought with love. She fought with a smile. She fought. And all our fond memories of her and lessons she taught us will live on. I must have written this line a couple of times before, but despite that I can never really explain how she actually fought, the world will know through me...and all the people who love her... that death never really won.

Burpday Blog

2005-02-16T17:02:00.000-08:00

Today's my birthday! It's happy. Totally awesome! I love it! This is my best birthday ever! That's all I can say.

What's new?

2005-02-16T00:58:00.000-08:00

I made this new account so I can move on and kinda' quit sitting in a corner wondering about ME, ME, and ME. I hate it that I've been focusing too much on myself lately-- my growth (or UNgrowth), mistakes, failures, and other stuff. I think I've had enough of the "all-self phase" of my life. I'm not saying that it's bad to do a little self-assessment and to think about what you're going to do. But OVERdoing it is what makes it bad. (Well, I think overdoing anything is bad, anyway).

So I've decided to focus more on other people that surrounds me. My friends, my family, people I bump into...I want to talk about them more. I happen to be addicted to tributes (just as to being hugged). Not that I won't be blogging about myself completely anymore. I'm just going to...ummm... be a lil less of the self-important sponge twit that I usually am. I'd also like to try to notice more of my surroundings. I've been too busy sulking and crying about my problems and "spilt glasses of milk" that I've kinda' forgotten how it is to roam my eyes around and appreciate the things around me.

I guess I like the new person that I am now. I don't care what others would think of what I would write but I'm free to do whatever because this is MY account. MINE. Mruwahahaha! So in the next days, you'll read more crazy stuff... about me...and lots of other people (and things) that have made (and still continue to make) a difference in my life that everyone else can learn special lessons from.

But lemme celebrate my birthday first. :D

This is my last day being 22

2005-02-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's my birthday!!! And yeah, im announcing it. My mom thinks I'm insane for doing that 'czuse most people would rather keep their birthdays to themselves. But no, not me. Hahaha! I love to have fun on my day. And it is MY day after all. Its the only time of the year when I am excused for even the silliest things I am capable of doing.

This is the second blogger account I've done. Ive been blogging about my burpday for days on the other account and I'm sure my friends must be tired of reading about it now. But as I always say, my birthdays are always a celebration of the friendships I have made throughout the years. My friends make me feel special and they are huge reasons why life is worth living as well. Yeah yeah, I may sound too cliche-ish and nerdy and cheesy and all the vomit-inducing stuff but I mean it everytime I say that.

So anyway, i'm really looking forward to another year of whacks on the head, cartwheels, and tip-toes on broken glasses that life makes me experience to make me a strong human being... and to scoff at me too.

And I'm looking forward to the weirdest birthday greetings, red and heart-shaped gifts I would be receiving (which I get every year coz of the Valentine's Day aftermaths.).

Urrrrrgggggghhhhhh, I'm getting older!!! Aaaaaaah!!!!! (That's high-pitched.) Okies, I'm over reacting. Bummer, I have to grow up. And I'm like, "Awwwww... do i really have to?"

Yes, I have to. But I'm sure it wouldn't be too bad if I let little nawdy rascal me sneak in once in a while. There are always going to be days that would need her, I'm sure. Mruwahaha!

Alright, I'm outta' here for now. I gotta go make something worth remembering out of my last day being 22. Hmmm...

This what ya call starting anew...

2005-02-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

LIFE IS SUCH A BUMMER SOMETIMES. It goes round and round and when you look at it closely...even intelligently sometimes... it doesn't seem to make any good sense.

That's sometimes. I'm not saying always. And well, I'm tired of rolling around going nowhere and doing meaningless things, meeting meaningless people. It's very true that what robs us of all our strengths and our capacities to think is not the overload of things to do, but having too much of what we don't really need to do. And I have a lot of that. SO, I'm throwing 'em away.

But even if life isn't perfect and sometimes I feel like it always whacks me in the head for no apparent reason...or slaps me too hard...or breaks my bones...or drains me of all my energy, I still love it. And I guess just by doing that-- declaring to life's poker face that I still love it despite everything-- I WIN.

So lemme start anew...for real...and more seriously this time.

CONGRATULATE ME, FOLKS! :) I win, I win, I win!!! :-)