My brother is getting married next year!!!
I had to slap myself in front of the mirror to make myself believe it. For real. My only authentic brother in the world is about to start his own family (Most of my "adopted" big bro's are already married except for Zak, who's just about to get married next year as well.)
Wow, this is the real world. People get married. People move around. People move on.
I was still dilly-dallying in my pants thinking about buying a digital camera or taking basic photography course and those things. My mom tells me to stop thinking about them for now and learn how to prioritize. I understand that, but i tell myself that i do have the right to enjoy these things because Im single. But my mom's right and I really do know what she's talking about. I have to start learning how to be wise. ..especially with money matters. But all that mom said didnt really sink in till i found out my brother's about to get married!!! For a moment i was super stunned and a voice kept yanking inside me, "It cant be true! It cant be true! How can this be? Noooooooooooo!!!"
Well he fell in love a long time ago, kept that consistent for years and now he's ready to leave his home to start another. Thats the simplest way to explain it.
Okay, yeah, im over-reacting! But im not feeling this way because im insecure that he's getting married before me or anything. Its just that im kinda scared for my bro. I keep asking, is he ready? He's of legal age, but i still see him as my young obnoxious life-long enemy. I just realized that so much have changed... and has to change. First on the line is how I see him as a person.
Like a big bang, reality hit me. Ive been dwindling in all of my dreams and all the things Im planning to shop for when i get super rich (which will be very soon hehehehe) but suddenly, God woke me up with such news! Now i see the bigger pie. My life isnt my own. It never was. And just as I ask "Is my brother ready?", I should also ask it for myself. How am i getting ready for the same life that my brother is about to face? How am i getting ready to face a bigger family and what is my part in my brother's choice of life? I know i have a part because as i said, my life isnt my own. I am accountable.
How am i going to share God's Word to my brother and his future wife so they'd have a God-centered, far-from-crumbles married life? How am i going to be as an aunt to my future niece or nephew? How am i going to get over these rushing thoughts that are starting to devour me? Argh.
My brother has great respect for me, I can sense that. We may not be too good at throwing thoughts to each other in a systematic way but I know he looks up to me. I dont really say it to him in a nice way but i look up to him as well. And very soon, my responsibility in his life would be more than just to be his silly goose of a sister or the maid of honor at his wedding.
I've lived away from reality too long. Thanks for waking me up, bro!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
The Best Sneeze ever
Im having a really bad flu. Oh well, theres no such thing as a good flu anyway. But still, I'd say there are better flus. This one's really bad. I sneeze all the time and the thing I hate the most is when im about to sneeze and something stops it! Argh! Im almost bed-ridden now. Almost. But i am not to be defeated by a stupid flu.
I missed work today unofficially. Ive not been working for the past six days because I have just had my training for BSC (as in Basic Safety Course). It was so much fun! That included Fire Prevention and Firefighting, Personal Survival Techniques, Elementary First Aid, Personal Security and Social Responsibility. They are so much more interesting than they sound. And dont ask me why i took that training. I wouldnt say I just wanted to, although I really did just want to at first. Others who know what it means to take BSC would understand what its for though. But you'll never hear it from me (Being coy here now).
Anyway, I just wanted to explain the relationship between my bad flu and my BSC training. We had our two-day practicum somewhere in Cavite for Firefighting and Personal Survival Techniques. That means we had our chance to be real firemen and women for a day. Hmmm maybe we are firemen now for real although im not sure to what extent our certificates could get us. But hey it gives us the power to extinguish fires! Wooohooo! Or maybe the power actually just comes from the knowledge of it.
We also did a little dummy rescue operation and killed a huge fire in an enclosed space. According to our trainor, thats the kind that firemen dread the most. We realized firsthand why that is so. Not only are the Breathing Apparatus heaps heavy, you could see nothing in such a space. As in nothing. And not to mention the difficulty of breathing under a facial respiratory mask that only lasts for 30 minutes. But this is where you would know the real value of teamwork. The nozzleman cannot do it alone. The back-up man has to push his shoulders so he wouldnt give up, and the hostenders must keep themselves alert at all times and careful not to have the hose entangled or all of them would die. And they must step into the enclosed space to kill the fire in slow but sure, dynamic steps. I now appreciate firefighters more. Its no silly joke to kill a fire.
And then there was the Personal Survival Techniques (PST) practicum. We splashed on a pool because its all about survival on water. We had our lifejackets on. We looked cool on them and i like them as much as the fireman's outfit. But we didnt go there to look cool. In fact, in most of the activities we did, we looked splendidly idiotic. But that was until our trainors declared we have passed the course. Because after that, we felt cooler than the coolest we ever felt for sometime. Anyway, one thing i wouldnt forget at PST was having to jump from a 12-foot diving board. That isnt too high, but it IS high. And add to it my fear of heights. I was the only person in class who didnt get to jump along with the rest, the only one to be given three chances. It was weird because I knew i could do it and yet when i climbed up there, it was so hard. The trainor almost gave up on me... or tried to look like it so i would be motivated (or better yet, "scared of him") enough to jump. Weeks before the training, i have already heard about that jump part and it has given me nosebleed since then. Anyway, i did jump. You know how i did it? I put my right hand on my nose, pinching it; my left hand crossing over to my right shoulder to keep my other hand intact; bent my my legs; closed my eyes; prayed; and then jumped! I just waited for the water, if you know what i mean. But it was exhilarating... especially hearing the applause of the whole class when i finally did it. It was also a special moment because that was when I heard almost everyone, people who I've only been with for a few couple of days, giving me all the encouragement and the "you can do it's". It was awesome!
But that wasnt why i have the bad flu now. The day after we came back to Manila from Cavite, we were welcomed by the heavy rains. And my friend and i welcomed it as well by being drenched on it. It wasnt because we had no umbrella. We also had our jackets on. But the rain was sooooo bad that we boarded the LRT all wet from head to toe. Two days after, the bad flu hit me.
Oh well, tomorrow it's going to turn good. Im going back to work. Shoo flu! Youre just a sneeze away!
I missed work today unofficially. Ive not been working for the past six days because I have just had my training for BSC (as in Basic Safety Course). It was so much fun! That included Fire Prevention and Firefighting, Personal Survival Techniques, Elementary First Aid, Personal Security and Social Responsibility. They are so much more interesting than they sound. And dont ask me why i took that training. I wouldnt say I just wanted to, although I really did just want to at first. Others who know what it means to take BSC would understand what its for though. But you'll never hear it from me (Being coy here now).
Anyway, I just wanted to explain the relationship between my bad flu and my BSC training. We had our two-day practicum somewhere in Cavite for Firefighting and Personal Survival Techniques. That means we had our chance to be real firemen and women for a day. Hmmm maybe we are firemen now for real although im not sure to what extent our certificates could get us. But hey it gives us the power to extinguish fires! Wooohooo! Or maybe the power actually just comes from the knowledge of it.
We also did a little dummy rescue operation and killed a huge fire in an enclosed space. According to our trainor, thats the kind that firemen dread the most. We realized firsthand why that is so. Not only are the Breathing Apparatus heaps heavy, you could see nothing in such a space. As in nothing. And not to mention the difficulty of breathing under a facial respiratory mask that only lasts for 30 minutes. But this is where you would know the real value of teamwork. The nozzleman cannot do it alone. The back-up man has to push his shoulders so he wouldnt give up, and the hostenders must keep themselves alert at all times and careful not to have the hose entangled or all of them would die. And they must step into the enclosed space to kill the fire in slow but sure, dynamic steps. I now appreciate firefighters more. Its no silly joke to kill a fire.
And then there was the Personal Survival Techniques (PST) practicum. We splashed on a pool because its all about survival on water. We had our lifejackets on. We looked cool on them and i like them as much as the fireman's outfit. But we didnt go there to look cool. In fact, in most of the activities we did, we looked splendidly idiotic. But that was until our trainors declared we have passed the course. Because after that, we felt cooler than the coolest we ever felt for sometime. Anyway, one thing i wouldnt forget at PST was having to jump from a 12-foot diving board. That isnt too high, but it IS high. And add to it my fear of heights. I was the only person in class who didnt get to jump along with the rest, the only one to be given three chances. It was weird because I knew i could do it and yet when i climbed up there, it was so hard. The trainor almost gave up on me... or tried to look like it so i would be motivated (or better yet, "scared of him") enough to jump. Weeks before the training, i have already heard about that jump part and it has given me nosebleed since then. Anyway, i did jump. You know how i did it? I put my right hand on my nose, pinching it; my left hand crossing over to my right shoulder to keep my other hand intact; bent my my legs; closed my eyes; prayed; and then jumped! I just waited for the water, if you know what i mean. But it was exhilarating... especially hearing the applause of the whole class when i finally did it. It was also a special moment because that was when I heard almost everyone, people who I've only been with for a few couple of days, giving me all the encouragement and the "you can do it's". It was awesome!
But that wasnt why i have the bad flu now. The day after we came back to Manila from Cavite, we were welcomed by the heavy rains. And my friend and i welcomed it as well by being drenched on it. It wasnt because we had no umbrella. We also had our jackets on. But the rain was sooooo bad that we boarded the LRT all wet from head to toe. Two days after, the bad flu hit me.
Oh well, tomorrow it's going to turn good. Im going back to work. Shoo flu! Youre just a sneeze away!
Saturday, June 10, 2006
New Me
I could say my life is back to normal now after those 20 days in Thailand. But my life isnt the same either.
While doing the Thailand Outreach, we were told that after this mission trip, we'd feel weird when we get back to our own land. Thats because we'd be reminded of everything---places, food, experiences and most of all, the people whom we're not sure we'd still ever see again. That's exactly what's happening to me right now. Argh.
Having been able to get there and be one of the 79 short-term youth missionaries was one of the great big miracles of my life! Seriously. I didnt think I could go because fund-raising is really difficult to do in these times when everyone seems to be in need. But I super thank God for the lives of all the people who helped, who came from different places and gave in the most unlikely moments. I enjoyed the surprise of receiving things from people I never expected would be so generously helpful! This was one of the first things I came to enjoy while preparing for this trip--the surprises! And next is the anticipation for more.
I knew that going out there in the mission fields meant stepping out of my comfort zone. We went to different tribe locations where there was no mobile reception! (I couldnt live without my mobile phone back home!) And when we were immersed in the Karen tribe community in Chiangrai for a week, we stayed in a really really cold place where they were used to the "squatty potties" and bathing with ice cold water! My team mates and I have our own "stories of discomfort" to share but whenever we sat down and talked during breaks, we realized they never really mattered.After Thailand, Im never the same. I met a new family, my team mates in Team Zech. I met new friends--the people from the Thai churches, the Thai youth, our interpreters, the pastors, the tribesfolks, the other teams. I met a new me. I realized that I can maximize my potentials to bring ease to the lives of other people, make a difference, and simply bring smiles to strangers and that even far away from all the comfort i have always been used to, I realized that all I need is a heart thats willing to do anything to please God and He'd give me all that I need.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Trust Fall
I never thought I had serious issues with trusting people until tonight. Well, I always knew I had trouble trusting too easily until I find that something in them that catches my trust, which I cant even define clearly for myself.
I used to be too trusting until many of those whom I believed in and fully trusted broke my confidence. So now I truly trust only a very few. I thought I was doing fine now. I never thought my problem with trust was that big or had any effect on my personality as a whole until we did this thing called "Trust Fall".
We just had our final team-building session for the Thailand outreach and one by one, they asked us to stand on a high footstall with our back facing our team mates, whose arms are lined together ready to catch us on our fall. The objective is to develop trust for one another, enough to risk our lives (or our spinal columns) and be able to fall backwards as freely as a lifeless log, knowing that our team mates will never leave us falling to our death pit.
"I _________, choose to do this event. Team mates are you ready?"
"Ready!"
"Im falling!"
"Fall!"
(Yeah, this is kinda like the "chant" thing)
I came up last, thinking that I could pull it off as easily as everyone else did. Wrong. When I was up there, I couldnt trust my team mates. I couldnt fall. I trembled and I wondered what was wrong with me. I tried twice but I didnt do the right fall. They made me rest for a bit and they told me we wouldnt quit until I do a perfect fall. Argh.
One of the facilitators asked me if i had issues with trust in the past. I thought, yes a lot of times but I dont think its much of a big deal. I mean, they are issues with other people, not my team mates. But she told me it manifests just the same.
My experiences with trust being broken several times and then finding hard to trust again and then slowly trying to trust only a very few chosen people actually affects how I trust each and every person I meet or mingle with. Hmm interesting huh?
I realized its true. And even if I say I do trust a few people, Im not sure if I can really FULLY trust any person at all. Wow. What a significant information about my inner self!
Anyway, it was something I had to deal with right there.... and I had to break free from that if I wanted a normal, happy life (not to mention if I didnt want to be kicked out from the team!). So I climbed the footstall again and positioned myself. I still trembled a little and after a few breath-taking minutes, I just prayed "Lord, your power is made perfect in my weakness." If I couldnt trust myself that I could trust my team mates, I guess what I did was to just trust the Lord to help with it.
So it worked. I did a perfect backward fall. Hooray!
I felt free.
Its really hard to put our full trust on people. In one way or another, they will break it... even those who you dont expect would. I guess there's nothing wrong with reserving a little doubt sometimes...but not at all times. I think trusting people calls for wisdom.
When trust gets broken, your heart does as well somehow. But the lesson I learned here is that people are just people. God is God. People may always do us wrong but we are never hurt without our consent. If we dwell on broken trusts, it would be hard to rebuild them. We must open our hearts to welcome those who want to be trsuted again and mean it. But its not just the heart though that must be opened, but our eyes and mind as well so we'd be awake to avoid anything being broken again. And we can always trust on God to restore broken relationships... or our broken selves.
These are what I learned: Trust is a big word. Love is fake without trust. You cannot be a full person without trust. Trust can be rebuilt with full forgiveness of self and others. And there are people who can really be fully trusted.
I used to be too trusting until many of those whom I believed in and fully trusted broke my confidence. So now I truly trust only a very few. I thought I was doing fine now. I never thought my problem with trust was that big or had any effect on my personality as a whole until we did this thing called "Trust Fall".
We just had our final team-building session for the Thailand outreach and one by one, they asked us to stand on a high footstall with our back facing our team mates, whose arms are lined together ready to catch us on our fall. The objective is to develop trust for one another, enough to risk our lives (or our spinal columns) and be able to fall backwards as freely as a lifeless log, knowing that our team mates will never leave us falling to our death pit.
"I _________, choose to do this event. Team mates are you ready?"
"Ready!"
"Im falling!"
"Fall!"
(Yeah, this is kinda like the "chant" thing)
I came up last, thinking that I could pull it off as easily as everyone else did. Wrong. When I was up there, I couldnt trust my team mates. I couldnt fall. I trembled and I wondered what was wrong with me. I tried twice but I didnt do the right fall. They made me rest for a bit and they told me we wouldnt quit until I do a perfect fall. Argh.
One of the facilitators asked me if i had issues with trust in the past. I thought, yes a lot of times but I dont think its much of a big deal. I mean, they are issues with other people, not my team mates. But she told me it manifests just the same.
My experiences with trust being broken several times and then finding hard to trust again and then slowly trying to trust only a very few chosen people actually affects how I trust each and every person I meet or mingle with. Hmm interesting huh?
I realized its true. And even if I say I do trust a few people, Im not sure if I can really FULLY trust any person at all. Wow. What a significant information about my inner self!
Anyway, it was something I had to deal with right there.... and I had to break free from that if I wanted a normal, happy life (not to mention if I didnt want to be kicked out from the team!). So I climbed the footstall again and positioned myself. I still trembled a little and after a few breath-taking minutes, I just prayed "Lord, your power is made perfect in my weakness." If I couldnt trust myself that I could trust my team mates, I guess what I did was to just trust the Lord to help with it.
So it worked. I did a perfect backward fall. Hooray!
I felt free.
Its really hard to put our full trust on people. In one way or another, they will break it... even those who you dont expect would. I guess there's nothing wrong with reserving a little doubt sometimes...but not at all times. I think trusting people calls for wisdom.
When trust gets broken, your heart does as well somehow. But the lesson I learned here is that people are just people. God is God. People may always do us wrong but we are never hurt without our consent. If we dwell on broken trusts, it would be hard to rebuild them. We must open our hearts to welcome those who want to be trsuted again and mean it. But its not just the heart though that must be opened, but our eyes and mind as well so we'd be awake to avoid anything being broken again. And we can always trust on God to restore broken relationships... or our broken selves.
These are what I learned: Trust is a big word. Love is fake without trust. You cannot be a full person without trust. Trust can be rebuilt with full forgiveness of self and others. And there are people who can really be fully trusted.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Warrior Is A Child
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all my tears
They don't know
That I come running home when I fall down
They dont know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
For deep inside this armour, the warrior is a child.
Unafraid because this armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that Im amazing
I never face retreat
But they dont know the enemies
That lay me at His feet
They don't know
That I come running down when I fall down
They dont know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
For deep inside this armour, the warrior is a child.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Loosening it up
Dont you notice that there are times when it seems like the more you tighten your grip on something, the more it slips away? There is nothing you can really hold on to even with your firmest grip. It feels like some bad reaction to a hallucigenic drug. Life can be such a big bummer sometimes!
Drat. There are just a lot of thoughts I cannot let go. Thoughts like, what will I be like in the next six months? Or, is this person really who I think he or she is or says? I wish I didnt have to care if promises would get broken or not... or if the things I've been planning on would really push through or not... or if this shampoo would really get rid of split ends or not, etc... Uncertainties drive me insane.
Well, I guess the lesson behind all these thoughts is that I dont really have to hold on to anything too tightly. I should just be happy about the present. I have met so many new people that have made a difference in my life and everyday they give me a reason to believe that even if things that matter to me do slip away, it would always be good to look back on the better things and to keep hoping for the next good ones. For everything, I should be thankful... and prayerful.
I got this beautiful text message a few days ago (I just added a few more lines):
When everything goes wrong, PUSH.
When you wish for something, PUSH.
When people dont understand you, PUSH.
When things are uncertain, PUSH.
When you can't see what's behind the door, PUSH.
PUSH. PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.
P - RAY
U- NTIL
S- OMETHING
H- APPENS
I know it doesnt mean "SIT THERE IDLY AND KEEP MURMURING YOUR NEEDS HEAVENWARDS." Its just that there are times when it seems like we've exhausted all our energies trying to figure out things or find results but still we cant seem to find what we long to see or feel. The truth in this is, we cannot do the digging, the searching, the maintaining, the figuring out... There are times when we need to take a break and rest. These are the particular points in time when we have to stay still and loosen our tight grips and let go... and let God.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Sunsets and all that
The sunset indicates the end of a cycle or condition. It is a period of rest, renewal, and evaluation.
Well, i'm exactly in that period of my life right now. Previously, I shared that I wanted to stop being so obsessed with the things that I'm expecting to happen. I learned another very valuable lesson from a person I look up to recently. IT IS BETTER TO HOPE THAN TO EXPECT. I thought it seemed like hoping and expecting are the same things. But thinking more deeply about it, they are not.
Expecting is wanting so much for something to happen and not giving allowance or preparation to the possibility that it may not. Hoping, on the other hand, is looking forward to something approaching but at the same time, telling yourself that if it doesnt happen, you will still be alright. Preparation makes the difference. And even faith big time.
Now, Im still doing a lot of things but I can say that Im resting just the same. I am resting from waiting. I am evaluating my daily routines from my waking up to staring at the ceiling to going to work to type away all day to going home to sleeping to waking up again... It's all meaningless. Life is short.
My closest friend in college just flew to Los Angeles to get her Master's Degree. She is going to do something that she has always wanted but she never expected she would get there so soon. I envy her a bit as I have been wanting so badly to fly over to Baltimore and I have been expecting it but it has not happened yet. But I realized that different people are meant to do different things according to the measure of faith they have been given. I am where I am right now to do fulfilling things. In the next three Sundays, I will be speaking to four towns about the Leadership Training Program at Church. In May, I will fly to Thailand to join the mission outreach. I am still busy with my youth group and the band and the worship leading team and having fun with my job. And wow, I am in-love with the best guy in the world too! I almost overlooked all these things. I am glad with the way my life is being used by God and for all the nice, cute and cuddly angels of different forms, sizes, and shapes that He sends my way everyday. Life is fun!
I am glad for the privilege to hope. I have wonderful hopes lined up. Not expectations. Hopes. And even if they may not come out the way I wanted them to or in the time I wished they would arrive, I know I am enjoying my life. And Im giving glory to Whom it is due.
I love the sunset!!! :)
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