Warped

Today is a warped day. What's a warped day like? Simple. It is one that has the following characteristics in no particular order, which would manifest in you possibly all together or one at a time:

1. Lack of coordination
   
2. Inability to think (or walk) straight
   
3. Slurred speech
   
4. Incoherent blabbering
   
5. Inexplicable gestures
   

And these are not induced by alcohol or drugs or any chemical substances. They just happen like some weird inexplicable phenomenon you can't control.

Here's a scenario....

I went by the grocery store just to pick up something before going to work. I saw an acquiantance, who I've seen for about four times already just this morning. So in staggering steps, I went up to her...

"Hi! What are you doing here?"

She just smiled. Duhhhhhh at me! She's grocery shopping, what the heck?!

"Errr-- I mean, I see you everywhere. You're ubiquitous!" I said. I thought I said that so fast I saw her eyebrows twitch.

"I'm what?" She asked with a short laugh, her eyes conspicuously showing that she thinks I must be on drugs on something.

"Oh nothin. Don't mind me, I'm a mental asylum escapee..." I said, in a dead seious tone that made it sound like I was saying something with so much sense.

"You're a what?" She laughed like there's no tomorrow. And I was drumming on the shelf (Why on earth?!)

I came to myself and I wondered why I said that. I forced a laugh and told her I should be shopping. But I wasnt really there to shop so I wondered again why I said that. But anyway, I left her... probably believing that I am really what I claim to be... a mental asylum escapee.

You get the point? Anywayzzz, I think I have developed this great liking for the word "warped". I don't know why, but it started when I was in the hospital (If you dont know the story, see my blog entitled "What The Heck?!" at www.bubblegumbraininaknapsack.blogspot.com). Maybe its because I like how it sounds... and also 'cause thats how I see things sometimes.

I wrote a poem when I was in the hospital and it had the lines "My vision showed everything warped." But I wrote a new poem and entitled it "Warped". I figured I should give it a little independence and let the word stand by itself.

Warped

I wrote you something

But left it inside my head

Circling, hanging

Like a disease ready to spread.

And its going to burst

Anytime I decide

Like a little curse

That toppled on my pride.

For when I see you,

I remember all throughout

Like the times I had the flu

I wish to sneeze it all out.

But when I wrote you something,

I didnt have strength enough

To pretend I'm hurting

'Cause I'm not, I'm really not;

And what I feel right now

Are the knots in my stomach.

I'm tired somehow,

Somehow it's all warped.

I swiped a little dignity

But it turned out a scrap;

I suspended in monotony.

So I'm whispering,

Wishing I could go back

To the time I was wishing

That you would come back,

So I can let you know

What's hanging in my head.

But seeing your shadow

Leaves it all dead.

I'm out.

A Blog of Thanks To An Unknown Friend (Rewritten)

I have written this blog before on my other blogger account www.bubblegumbraininaknapsack.blogspot.com It's a tribute to my "unknown" friend Ricky D (www.chachonips.blogspot.com), the first person to ever post a comment on my very first blog (which was entitled "A Blog About Sex"). However, I deleted some blogs (including my very first blog) one insane day when I thought it was the best way to forget some things that I wanted to let go of. I also deleted even the tribute for Rick from my page, which included a poem. But I didn't really completely delete it. I copied it onto Word and saved it. When he had learned about the deletion, he didnt understand why I had to do that. Well, ummm...I didn't really understand either. I just thought at that moment that it was the right thing to do. (Blame it on the impulses of my youth.) But rest assured, whatever I wrote on there, I meant all of 'em. I was just confused.

When I read what I saved, I thought its better to rewrite it. I know that most of the time, the original piece always is the best, but I have found a deeper reason for doing this. The girl who wrote that tribute before isn't the same girl who is re-writing it now. I could still feel the negative vibes that girl was feeling towards some people while she was posting that blog, despite that it was about something positive...which is moving on.

Let me just tell you why I wrote that "Blog of Thanks" for my friend. Its true that we are just strangers in this "crazy mixed-up internet of ours" (these are his words). But Ricky D and Bubblebrain (that's me) surprisingly stepped into some parallel dimension at the same point in time. At a simultaneous moment, they were overwhelmed and overcome by considerable grief due to "relationship problems" (an understatement). When I say "parallel", I mean it was a totally amusingly similar situation. And yet they don't know each other. They are just a buncha goofballs commenting on each other's blog pages.

Maybe Ricky D thought that my deletion of that blog meant that I was not sincere when I wrote it. He stopped posting comments and "avoided" my page for a time. And whoa, that boggled me! His insights have become like a staple to my blog life.

But I'm glad he's back...and with a photo too!

I re-wrote this because I wanted to "refresh" it (And I hope it's okay, Ricky D). I feel like I'm a different person now. But even if I feel that way, I won't cease thanking people who have helped (and still are helping) me truly move forward....even those I haven't even met in person yet.

So Ricky D, THANKS...AGAIN. ;-) And good luck on finding yourself like you told me you wanted to do.

The Day After My Birthday

The day after my birthday, my grandma died. She's my dad's aunt, the last of my late grandma's sisters. She had cancer.

I remember the time when we first learned she was sick. The doctor couldn't tell her, so my dad and aunt had to do it. She said she was ready to hear anything then, but when she was told of the situation, she was so scared. She felt too weak just hearing that she was sick.

Despite that she wasnt told about what the doctor really said---that she only had a few, VERY FEW, months to live--she was the one who kept repeating it. She kept saying she wasn't going to probably live that long and would rather just let it be.... like she wanted to die right then. She wanted to stop all treatments. She didn't want the cure.

But of course, no one listened to her. She was admitting defeat. Not good. Very wrong. But we all fought for her and kept lifting her spirits up. We wanted her to go on with that fight. Miracles do happen...and that's something that I personally believe, having had my own near-death experience when I was four years old.

When I was four, I died for about fifteen minutes. My heart stopped beating. I used to write endlessly about this before. I kept telling it to friends a long time ago. But I got tired somehow. But everytime something like this happens...everytime death waves its eerie wand indicating its near presence at any place, I remember my experience. There were white lights and people crying around me. And I was sitting on the hospital bed just looking around. I never really understood what was happening. But that is all I could remember of it.

So everytime someone gives up on life and seemingly welcomes death with open arms, I clench my fists. I hate to hear something like that. Life is too sweet to give up on...even if death is starting to do the cradling.

Dying must be a weird experience. I am always boggled by how much time it actually takes to lose our life. A nanosecond? Shorter? I dunno, but maybe it happens so fast, the body doesnt even realize whats going on at that instant. See, I died....for fifteen minutes... but I cant even explain what happened...or how it happened. It was called clinical death. But I came back with more sense. I came back and now I regard life with more significance.

I know there's eternity. Life doesnt really stop at death. But how do these things really happen?

Anyway, my grandma fought. I know she didn't want to, but she did fight. And for that, I'm proud of her.

When she was getting weak, we were all kind of accepting that she might not be with us for long. But I was going to have my birthday. I prayed that she won't go on my birthday. I didnt tell it to her. I just whispered it to God. And God must have granted my wish. She took her the day after.

Her fight isn't over just because she lost her life. She wasn't defeated... because I'm here writing about how she fought. She fought with so much courage. She fought with love. She fought with a smile. She fought. And all our fond memories of her and lessons she taught us will live on. I must have written this line a couple of times before, but despite that I can never really explain how she actually fought, the world will know through me...and all the people who love her... that death never really won.

Burpday Blog

Today's my birthday! It's happy. Totally awesome! I love it! This is my best birthday ever! That's all I can say.

What's new?

I made this new account so I can move on and kinda' quit sitting in a corner wondering about ME, ME, and ME. I hate it that I've been focusing too much on myself lately-- my growth (or UNgrowth), mistakes, failures, and other stuff. I think I've had enough of the "all-self phase" of my life. I'm not saying that it's bad to do a little self-assessment and to think about what you're going to do. But OVERdoing it is what makes it bad. (Well, I think overdoing anything is bad, anyway).

So I've decided to focus more on other people that surrounds me. My friends, my family, people I bump into...I want to talk about them more. I happen to be addicted to tributes (just as to being hugged). Not that I won't be blogging about myself completely anymore. I'm just going to...ummm... be a lil less of the self-important sponge twit that I usually am. I'd also like to try to notice more of my surroundings. I've been too busy sulking and crying about my problems and "spilt glasses of milk" that I've kinda' forgotten how it is to roam my eyes around and appreciate the things around me.

I guess I like the new person that I am now. I don't care what others would think of what I would write but I'm free to do whatever because this is MY account. MINE. Mruwahahaha! So in the next days, you'll read more crazy stuff... about me...and lots of other people (and things) that have made (and still continue to make) a difference in my life that everyone else can learn special lessons from.

But lemme celebrate my birthday first. :D

This is my last day being 22

Tomorrow's my birthday!!! And yeah, im announcing it. My mom thinks I'm insane for doing that 'czuse most people would rather keep their birthdays to themselves. But no, not me. Hahaha! I love to have fun on my day. And it is MY day after all. Its the only time of the year when I am excused for even the silliest things I am capable of doing.

This is the second blogger account I've done. Ive been blogging about my burpday for days on the other account and I'm sure my friends must be tired of reading about it now. But as I always say, my birthdays are always a celebration of the friendships I have made throughout the years. My friends make me feel special and they are huge reasons why life is worth living as well. Yeah yeah, I may sound too cliche-ish and nerdy and cheesy and all the vomit-inducing stuff but I mean it everytime I say that.

So anyway, i'm really looking forward to another year of whacks on the head, cartwheels, and tip-toes on broken glasses that life makes me experience to make me a strong human being... and to scoff at me too.

And I'm looking forward to the weirdest birthday greetings, red and heart-shaped gifts I would be receiving (which I get every year coz of the Valentine's Day aftermaths.).

Urrrrrgggggghhhhhh, I'm getting older!!! Aaaaaaah!!!!! (That's high-pitched.) Okies, I'm over reacting. Bummer, I have to grow up. And I'm like, "Awwwww... do i really have to?"

Yes, I have to. But I'm sure it wouldn't be too bad if I let little nawdy rascal me sneak in once in a while. There are always going to be days that would need her, I'm sure. Mruwahaha!

Alright, I'm outta' here for now. I gotta go make something worth remembering out of my last day being 22. Hmmm...

This what ya call starting anew...

LIFE IS SUCH A BUMMER SOMETIMES. It goes round and round and when you look at it closely...even intelligently sometimes... it doesn't seem to make any good sense.

That's sometimes. I'm not saying always. And well, I'm tired of rolling around going nowhere and doing meaningless things, meeting meaningless people. It's very true that what robs us of all our strengths and our capacities to think is not the overload of things to do, but having too much of what we don't really need to do. And I have a lot of that. SO, I'm throwing 'em away.

But even if life isn't perfect and sometimes I feel like it always whacks me in the head for no apparent reason...or slaps me too hard...or breaks my bones...or drains me of all my energy, I still love it. And I guess just by doing that-- declaring to life's poker face that I still love it despite everything-- I WIN.

So lemme start anew...for real...and more seriously this time.

CONGRATULATE ME, FOLKS! :) I win, I win, I win!!! :-)